hahahaha... *ahem* jokes aside, How horrible! my last post was August :c
ugh here I go again, I have a blog entry ready but after analyzing what it was, it another of those "I'm a horrible person, I need your pity" sort of posts. I do not want to post things like that anymore, instead I give you an strip from xkcd that pretty much is the same thing.
It's not that I didn't do anything- it's more of I couldn't do anything. I was scared. Scared of what they would think- how they would react. huh, I never cared what people thought before- it's like that song- uhh "... I never really cared until I met you..." perhaps? but no. maybe I really did care even way before and I'm just saying I don't. So there. I'll just leave this here for a while, try to compose a new blogskin (as well as for plurk).
3:26 PM Did You LISTEN Carefully?
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Good day turned sour.
It was a wonderful day at MoA, specially since Graphika Manila was so inspiring!
Unfortunately later that night I was attacked by insecurity, depression then aggression.
I should be used to this by now- but no, the fact that I was at MoA, at night, in the weekend "ALONE" slowly sank in. in a desperate attempt, I tried contacting anyone I knew who I thought was there. I didn't want to be alone. I tried calling but my cellphone, or theirs, just wouldn't connect. The line is busy or something. I took out my cigs, but I couldn't smoke right. Everything felt like it was no use, I almost tried to smash my cellphone, and my cigs were crushed.
I guess I have too much time to myself that I'm getting sick of it. I should have put something on my wednesday and thursday. this schedule just blows.
It may have been sour, but it's all good once you talk to the plurkada (dance)
also this: A picture of Stefan Seagmeister and (what I believe is) Alodia(?)... idk. and to the left is... me!! (lmaomfglol) HAHAHAHAH - this made my night (take note of the watermark/website on the lowerleft)
10:32 PM Did You LISTEN Carefully?
Sunday, August 02, 2009
There's so much that I want to do, but somehow... I just don't.
getting this ill mood, I see nothing but negativity. It happens to teenagers, but I'm technically a young adult now. I see little hope for my future.
I'd love to play a sad song on the piano, but I've forgotten to play. I have a bass, but I've never studied it. I wished to play the violin, but I was never given the chance.
I can draw, but it isn't that good. The color schemes I use are safe and pretty much boring. I can't paint- it usually ends up in a mess. I get stumped trying to think of some new design for class.
I write stories, but none of them are any good. I've come up with scenarios, characters, and pretty much a complete concept for a series, but I've never put it down on paper. My English isn't that good. Fluent, but nothing great.
I'm really great at calculating, that is if I know the equation for it. big numbers still confuse me, and I keep forgetting what some equations are for.
Sciences intrigue me, but all that waiting, experimenting, and researching... I don't have the patience for it.
I'd try Law, but that and politics, I really don't like. it'd bore me to death.
I could be a techie, but I'd still have to memorize things. Know the ins and outs of hardware, software, firmware, and whatnot.
I could be in Performing arts... that's the only thing I can say I have confidence in. I should be acting...?
In sports, I've tried various games and artes, but I can't say I'm good at any of them.
I love video games, but I end up seeking walkthroughs for RPG's. Getting whooped at competitive games like VS, or Racing games. I only find joy in my hard work in Music/Rhythm games.
I love wasting my time on TV series and movies. but after a while, I forget their characters, story, morals, meanings... eventually.
I'd always use the internet. But what is it for? my life, everything- wasted.
In the end, I'm good for nothing. I'd probably be an underpaid office worker or something.
even after writing this I don't have the motivation. it's be a big lie if I said "I'm going to do my best!" or "From now on, I'll study hard!".
I wish, in my next life... I'd have a better life than this.
11:57 PM Did You LISTEN Carefully?
Saturday, August 01, 2009
Oh hello blog, time to revive you again
Micro blogging killed it for about two months I think?
Anyway, nothing much is really going on. That or there is and I'm not in it.
I've been watching 1 Liter of Tears, and gosh, it has a lot of tear jerking moments. I just love the fact that Yuuki Sato is there~ (Haruto Asou's bigger brother)
I like him because of reasone I've already hinted in my plurk. go try and look fot it mack in apr-may... if you can! mwahahahaha!!
Seriously, does Plurk even have an archive? I can't seem to find plurks that are one month old.
Oh, right my PC was attacked by a virus smetime back, and well, lost all my programs. No Photoshop, not even MS Word for typing stuff.
and my dad came home from dubai. I'm not sure if I already said it before here. haha...
well, even though we each have messed up schedules, I still love adtu. and even people who were, or for some of them weren't, adtu.
Khan, Pabs, Te, Gel, Ken, Nica, Xian, Mike, Louie, Macci... aaand there's Marina, Kechu, Terens, Cabe, Justine, Carol, Gian, Migs, Teta, Kookie... Do I have to name everyone? hahaha //got carried away.
...Jihan, Bombee, Jompy... hahaha //should stop.
11:50 AM Did You LISTEN Carefully?
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
First Month of School
So, yeah I'm 4th year, though I'm graduating on my 5th.
Kay so a lot of things happens, most notably the friday/saturday of the first week. Long Story. srsly.
fine, to cut it short, some things were revealed, yes I'm bisexual... happy? , some people took it the wrong way, someone got angry (methinks), and the rest... ... ...
I also realized how horrible my monday and fridays are... well, just monday, because on friday I can use that 4-hour break at RJ's place //leaches PS3. Monsay's the problem with the 6-hour break.
Well, I'm classmates again with Pilar in AD3.
There's this guy I kept bumping into in the Jeep in Banawe on my way to UST, and I think only once/twice going back. It's been happening since Last one/two? semesters ago, and Summer class. Though the same routine kind of goes on. He looks at me, I look back, he looks away... and/or vice versa. maybe next time I should just smile at him? and keep staring? hmm... maybe he'd get the wrong idea...
IDK. I think we should be friends, though I don't know his name, I do know his face. I don't know where he lives exactly, but I know where he goes to school. meh.
What's this I hear Kamen Rider Decade ending in it's 30th episode, and an 11th KR series will replace it (Kamen Rider W (pronounced as Double)) on September 09...? and how cool. W uses USB flashdisks + Usual KR Belt Buckle as a Henshin Device.
2:56 PM Did You LISTEN Carefully?
Monday, June 15, 2009
Note to self...
I'd better organize a new layout for this year before works starts piling on each other.
Plurk is now a priority for me. /sob *hasnolife*
Anyway, Blogging about last saturday because I haven't blogged for a while.
It was a debut party in The Fort Strip, namely in "Jill's" a Fancy bar/resto if you ask me. The place was definitely giving off this wonderful ambiance. I have pics but I haven't uploaded them yet. More on the party; I'm miffed because the same is happening here in any other debuts. Even in it's friendly appearance, drinks for everyone; party was (almost) exclusive to the young ones (our generation and the younger ones), Friends vs Family was still present.
I actually wanted to go and mingle with people, but because of my shyness, but I blame it more to "Family" my sister being there not wanting to be in the "friends" area of the place, which we obviously ended up in the "Family" side.
It was fun, I had Vodka, and a bit of Rum, They ran out of tequila though. The Penne Pesto Creme was wonderful, everyone went and got seconds on it. as usual, pork, fish (really delicious) and chicken. I was surprised that I really loved the Crab Stick Salad on Pita. It's just as wonderful as 77titas. I has a couple of Panacotta Mango, and a whole bunch of Creme Brule. Hmmm... I'd love to go back in time to get some more.
Ugh there was one point in the party that I totally froze and pondered... My cousin, male. he's taller, leaner, described as "hot" compared to me... and he's only 15. Fifteen Fucking Years Old.
That's pretty much what happened, it was the reason I couldn't go to toycon, but hey.
3:28 AM Did You LISTEN Carefully?
Friday, June 05, 2009
I haven't been blogging much, you can blame this in Plurk. Micro-blogging is a lot more fun. it's so fun I tend to neglect my own blog.
And bahh... I never got to go and get a new layout for this blog (a yearly ting it seems.)
Anyway, Classes start on 8th... unless UST decides to isolate itself because of the AH1N1 case found in LaSalle Taft.
I have to say, that party I tried threw last May 16 was one of the best moments I had the whole summer. I should have asked Gel for their Wiimotes so we could have done a 4-player game.
Oh, and I passed my Rizal Class! yay for me.
I'm currently working on a revised version of the Lighthalzen Professor mob card. The first one definitely lacked impact... I'm trying to give it more "life" this time; I also included the Book of Apocalypse as an added bonus~
what else? Oh! I have a PSP now-!? unless.. I've said that before? meh. See what Plurk did to me/this blog? I don't know anymore...
anyway, I'd better get back on that Prof Card before Tira comes back and suddenly decided to go and check the card illustrations event thread.
3:43 AM Did You LISTEN Carefully?
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Phases of the Moon
Last night I did some things, it was stupid, but still...
They all thought I was dead. "Golda" seems to be a term for suicide now. I don't think they actually know me. I could never leave this world, there's no exit for me. I'm very materialistic, and I just can't leave all that stuff behind, or having not owned some other things, at all.
Anyway, every night, the Internet is pulled out around 12mn or 1am. I don't exactly know why, but because of that, my sanity dissappears when I have nothing to do, to top it off, I can't sleep till around 5-7 am. with no one to talk to, be with, play with, I'm left all alone thinking about stuff; to the extent that I'm over thinking things.
There's definitely something wrong with me. It's like pure emotions just pour out and do what they do, I forget the most part of what theyre doing. Most of the time, it's my anger/rage that runs amock. just like last night.
Apparently this "disorder" happens only at night; where I have no one with me. Think The Sims, Where your sims has high, or good status on everything except that empty social bar. My "broken Badmnton Racket" is deformed now. I could have repaired it. I just needed string, but now it's definitely out of shape.
Sometimes, I go out for a walk, around Metro Manila. The furthest I got was Khan's place. I could walk to other places, But it seems that I don't tread on unfamiliar land, or places where I don't have friends in. I coud try walking to SM North or UP, but I have no reason to be there. I think I've set up a goal to walk around atleast Metro Manila in one day. I think it's doable, with the right equipment and nutrition.
Walking seems to calm me down, I see people around me, even if I don't interact with them. But I don't walk every night, My feet get tired and feel hurt, so I don't walk the city every night. That, and I don't have that much money to be strolling around far places; I'd need two bottles/cans of drinks, and some food.
12:52 AM Did You LISTEN Carefully?
Friday, April 17, 2009
Summer Vacati- wait whut?
I has no vacation :D no- wait- scratch that... I have three weeks after summer class and before sy09-10 starts!! There has to be some big party or outing by then!
Anyway, my week as been anything but perfect. First few days going to summer class, I walked from home to UST. yes, I walked all that way under the harsh sun. but lately (wed-fri) I didn't walk, it's because I sleep really late in the nigh- I mean early in the morning. like 5AM or something. I wake up around 1 or 2, which doesn't give me enough time to walk all the way, and change clothes.
Rizal is a bit of a pain. Assignments everywhere, and I don't even like History. If I could I wouldn't bother, but unfortunately for us, it's MANDATORY.
enough of school... I'd still have to go there till May 20.
Tekken 6BR: I think I'm getting the hang of it- but I'm not winning much :< Earlier today was a tight match, Me (zafina) vs Bob. Yeah, I think I'll drop Aliza, and return to Zafina. I'm quite satisfied with my performance, There wasn't a need for a Mercy round as it was alternating, win-lose-win-lose, but of course, I don't win the last round. It's a very close fight though xD
Oh, and the T6BR machine in quantum is getting close to broken xD P1 4's button is still working, but it pops out once in a while, specially with players with "sticky fingers"... or those who mash buttons.
So, my birthday is coming near... I know what that means... new blog layout!! :D I think I'll be making matching ones for my Plurk and Multiply as well.
11:20 PM Did You LISTEN Carefully?
Friday, April 10, 2009
Walking with the Moon and Sun
It was just like any other night, I was awake till around 3-4 AM. Minding my own business, hoping to fall asleep soon, a friend IM'd me. It was strange though. he sounded depressed, like always, but this seemed different. a few minutes later, a different message appeared. there I started to think- It got me worried, although a part of me believes I'm over analyzing things. I felt bad, like something horrible is about to happen. I couldn't sleep, not at all, so I decided to go out, have a little breather.
I took my jacket, my glasses, some money, and my phone. I went out and locked the gate behind me. It's 4:30 am, I've estimated I'd be back by 7.
As I stepped out, I thought of the countless possibilities, different scenarios, and various situations. It made me think deeper... I thought to myself he may be out to kill him self. That's what I was afraid of. I talked to myself as I walked, tried to keep things cool, tried to calm myself down. Then I realized...
I thought Golda's death never affected me, not one bit. but now... thinking about my friend taking his life had me really worried. It was possible, but I definitely hoped that wasn't the case. Once I had this friend, his family text'd us if we saw him, I got worried that time too... but not as strong as this. Indeed, Golda's death took it's toll on me. I'm a lot more paranoid now. Turns out that my other friend was just laying around their other house, and no one noticed.
I walked on thinking how the moon was so bright and round. Around his time I'm at banawe-retiro, I went left from there, thought I'd change my path once in a while.
A thought hit me- How dangerous is our neighborhood? turns out it wasn't. I thought to myself how early in the morning it was, that even that night owl would be asleep by then, and the only ones awake are those who cannot sleep and those who just woke up. there were not a lot of people. I was at araneta that time- I decided to walk along the highway...
I've walked by a bunch of people, all probably just woke up, getting ready for work, some out for that every morning exercise. I passed by a lot of buildings, and even thought of going to Macci's place, which I didn't. The moon went down, and the sun came up. this walk had me think of a whole lot of things, like how these homless people thrive.
On my way, there was this cat, no, I'm sorry, the term was roadkill. it has it's body mangled, organs splattered. I'd thought this was the nasty, a car came by, and I looked back at the cat... that sight was even nastier- seing what's left of the bodies, bobbing, from the impact and gravity- I wished this was not the fate of my friend.
It's 5:50 am, I find myself in front of SM Sta. Mesa... It's been a long walk and my mind has calmed down. My feet were tired, and it was time to go home. I would have gone further, but to the left, right or even straight ahead is quite unknown to me, all I wknow is back to where I came from.
As I returned, backtracking my steps, I tried to recapped everything I've done this morning. There was a silly thing in my head too. Such sheer irony I'm doing. That walk took more than two hours, all just by walking- it felt like some sort of pilgrimage. The funny thing was, when I got back to araneta-queson ave. there were a bunch of people walking the streets too, I'd say they're on a pilgrimage too. They're walking with strange T-shirts, which I assumed were their uniform, they're all bare foot and going west, same way I was going. I left them when I was at banawe, I had to go home, and I guessed they were going to Quiapo Church.
As I walked banawe to my home I tried to think of everything I said to myself.
there was one point where my mind finally came to peace:
"there were so many earthly thing that keeps me here" I hoped it was the same for him.
now that I'm back in my room, I hope I can rest easy now... I haven't slept, and when I wake up everything is back to normal.
7:14 AM Did You LISTEN Carefully?
12th of May
UST:Fine Arts Major in Advertising